What I've learned from reading Jalopnik for almost 10 years

"BrtStlnd" (BrtStlnd)
01/12/2016 at 17:14 • Filed to: Groundhog's Day

1) Everything new will almost always be awful; until newer, even more awful things make me rationalize why I actually like the old, less awful things.

2) Auto makers need to try new things, which I will promptly criticize. “Go back to what you’ve always done” I will say!

3) Despite failing in every way to be successful in the business of selling cars, Saab will always deserve one more chance.

4) New cars resemble other cars that have previously been made. This always must be pointed out.

5) We demand enthusiast-oriented vehicle offerings!

6) Enthusiast-oriented vehicle offerings never meet sales targets, but I don’t know why they go out of production.

7) Jeremy Clarkson’s opinions must be repeated at every opportunity.

8) Cars that do not appeal to me at 17 will never be appealing to me as an adult. NEVER.

9) It is always clever to make jokes about Ferraris catching fire! It’s so funny because it’s true!

10) Diesels are superior to hybrids in every way. Look at that Miata!

DISCUSSION (37)

Diesel > BrtStlnd
01/12/2016 at 17:16

Remember fleshbot? That was some good kinja.

BrtStlnd > Diesel
01/12/2016 at 17:17

Most of my Jalopniking has been done either at work or on a work phone, so I never really Fleshbotted.

Diesel > BrtStlnd
01/12/2016 at 17:18

You missed out. I used to do IT help at my remote location and one guy was always get porn viruses on his work computer. I told him to lay off the porn or I would take away his laptop.

Blondude > BrtStlnd
01/12/2016 at 17:23

Kinja'd!!!

11) Kinja is bad and always has been.

Blunion05 drives a pink S2000 (USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST) > BrtStlnd
01/12/2016 at 17:23

I was in 6th grade in 2004.

I hope that makes you feel older than thinking about Jalopnik 10 years ago.

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > BrtStlnd
01/12/2016 at 17:23

1A) Sometimes the new things are awful enough to make one go back to something old and really awful out of spite. No, this is not rational. Shut up.

8A) Cars that were really cool when we were 8 and are considered terrible now must never be mentioned. Ever.

DrJohannVegas > BrtStlnd
01/12/2016 at 17:24

What DocVegas learned from 8 years of Jalopniking:

Don’t get too used to that username. If platform and rules changes don’t take it away from you, your own stupidity will.

You will never be as funny as people with the stars. Stop trying.

Don’t get too used to that logo, layout, or color palette. If a platform refresh doesn’t take them away from you, a new art direction will.

It will never be as good as it was ever again. Until the next time. Then it will never be as good as that time. Again.

Don’t get too used to that favorite author. If headhunting and competing outlets don’t take them away from you, Gawker promotions will.

Do not, under any circumstances, ungrey without looking at someone’s post history.

Don’t Forget, You’re Here Forever.

SR20.

norskracer98-ExploringTheOutback > Blunion05 drives a pink S2000 (USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)
01/12/2016 at 17:24

I was 6

Urambo Tauro > BrtStlnd
01/12/2016 at 17:25

Only took me one year. I’m a fast learner.

Brian, The Life of > BrtStlnd
01/12/2016 at 17:27

I enjoyed the shit outta this. Also: Imma now make this Throwback Tuesday!

Kinja'd!!!

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > BrtStlnd
01/12/2016 at 17:28

Kinja'd!!!

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Diesel
01/12/2016 at 17:29

I think Fleshbot was pre-kinja.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Blunion05 drives a pink S2000 (USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)
01/12/2016 at 17:30

I was 94!

Not really...

Diesel > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly
01/12/2016 at 17:30

Back when we could DM others. I kind of like having the promoted responses though.

gin-san - shitpost specialist > Blunion05 drives a pink S2000 (USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)
01/12/2016 at 17:35

I don’t even remember how I found Jalopnik. I think it would’ve been around 2010-2011.

2004 - I was still in high school, either going into or already in my final year. Fucking hell, does time fly. Since then I've graduated university, got a job and bought a place to live... but it feels like it's insufficient for twelve years of progress.

BrtStlnd > BrtStlnd
01/12/2016 at 17:36

11) Spiegel won’t be commenting any more thanks to that prick Sean Penn

DrJohannVegas > Diesel
01/12/2016 at 17:38

I miss DMs.

JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t > BrtStlnd
01/12/2016 at 17:39

Jawzx(2 (2 BoostAddict))‘s Corollary to DocVegas’ and Brt’s learning after about 8 years of Jalopnik:

Subsection 1A) Hey you! You damn kids! Get off my lawn!

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > BrtStlnd
01/12/2016 at 17:41

What I’ve learned:

1. there was once a Ford Tempo enthusiast among us

2. there was someone here who worked at the pre-bankruptcy GM in procurement. I recall him thinking that it wasn’t possible to improve very much on the fuel economy cars got in the early to mid 2000s.

3. I miss Project Car Hell

4. Dragoning

5. Observed the birth of terms like ‘malaise era’ and ‘carapocolypse’

6. When Ray Wert became Roy Wert... good ol’ Roy...

7. Jalopnik wanted to hire Rick Wagoner... used the freedom to say ‘fuck’ as an incentive.

BrtStlnd > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly
01/12/2016 at 17:44

Ford Tempo Fanatic!

certified cool guy > BrtStlnd
01/12/2016 at 17:45

Oh, the good old days, when websites looked like that.

BrtStlnd > certified cool guy
01/12/2016 at 17:46

See point number 1

Diesel > DrJohannVegas
01/12/2016 at 17:46

DM/DrJohannVegass Me too.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > BrtStlnd
01/12/2016 at 17:47

Yeah... that’s who I was thinking of!

Patrick Frawley > BrtStlnd
01/12/2016 at 18:02

1. A car MUST have at least 300 hp to be taken even the slightest bit seriously. Anything less is for girls and eco-dweebs and non-MEN.

(1a. Oooooh! E30 M3!)

(1b. Oooooh! DeLorean!)

2. A Real Car must have an honest-to-God manual transmission. And you must know how to use it.

3. Heh heh. Blipshift is cool. Heh heh. (Also, you are too right about your #7.)

No longer relevant, but very much was: People who think Mustangs should have independent rear suspensions are earnest bright-eyed bunnies waiting for grumpy old hawks to come raining out of the sky, talons extended.

4. Jezebel is where weird things are. Ewww.

5. Working on your own car is important (see manual transmission above in parallel here) until something goes wrong then it’s better to just have a schadenfreudefest while someone else describes their rolling crisis. Feel free to astutely point out what they should have done differently.

6. There will never be a better group of devout motorheads than the core group in your time of peak involvement and don’t be surprised if you stick with them over the years.

shop-teacher > BrtStlnd
01/12/2016 at 18:10

Rule 6a) Always by used. Buying new is for suckers. Complain when you can’t find what you want used and/or it’s too expensive, because nobody bought them new.

PanchoVilleneuve ST > BrtStlnd
01/12/2016 at 18:19

What I’ve learned from I forget years of Jaloping (enough years of Jaloping that I got starred by Murilee Martin for a post I made that was best described as a love letter to the Offenhauser engine):

1. Cars are always awesome.

2. Seriously, cars are awesome, despite of what they may appear to be.

3. Anything that limits the “cars are awesome” idea by adding any criteria (FWD? MORE LIKE FAIL WHEEL DRIVE! AUTOMATIC? MORE LIKE AUTOTRAGIC? TOYOTA? MORE LIKE BEIGE!) is bullshit. And it’s bullshit because cars are man-made beasts of burden, honed from at least a ton of steel and propelled to speeds that was thought by science 150 years ago to be lethal by exploding dinosaurs.

4. Because cars are inherently awesome, it stands to reason that there are no boring cars, only boring drivers.

5. Despite devoting myself to the religion that is cars through Gran Turismo and its “slow can be fast, a car isn’t a machine, it’s more like a pet, a car you’ve grown to love and understand is unstoppable, and there are so many cars to love like a pet” philosophy, I had only begun to scratch the surface.

6. As a misfit human, I’m drawn to misfit cars, and that the most obvious choice in any segment is, when you get down to it, the totally wrong one. I embraced this fully buy buying a Focus ST over a VW GTI, when the GTI is probably the better overall car. Because if the GTI is like driving Handel’s “Messiah”, the Focus is like driving “Judy is a Punk” by The Ramones. The former is perfectly thought out and put together to the extent that it’s boring and cliche, the latter being so joyously pure and raw and honest that it becomes human, despite it not attaining anything approaching perfection.

7. People who are into cars but don’t embrace the ideals outlined above are boring, awful people.

8. True adeherents to the Jalop faith are never satiated, and are always learning.

9. Even if it’s something that winds up to not be to your particular taste, if it is loved by someone it’s something worth loving and must not be dismissed. Even if it’s just cosmetic. Even if it’s just a stereo.

10. Jalopnik have no good cotomer sevis.